----- Original Message -----
From:
To:
Sent: Tuesday, October 15, 2002 12:40 PM
Subject: English Humor

Please excuse the "language"!

What follows is a superb example of English humor - albeit a letter
that was truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things:

1) Americans are not the only ones who get poor service from their
ISP and/or cable companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
2) The Brits get a better education than most Americans, enabling
them to write some fine letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which
I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so
that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away
the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who
are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred
to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease
any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief --quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at
the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits